


You're Very Clever

by LinesAndColors



Category: Original Work
Genre: Don't know why i wote this, Hhhnnnnggggg, I AM A SELF-PROCLAIMED MASTER OF FEELS, Questioning Everything, Self-Control, Self-Hatred, anyway, dont know why i post this, i dont know why i do anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-18 08:41:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13096482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LinesAndColors/pseuds/LinesAndColors
Summary: Self Hatred is a funny thing isn't it. It's something that most people struggle with in some shape or form, and yet no body really knows what it is, how it manages to tear you apart even though that's completely not evolutionarily smart. And it's fun to write about XD





	1. Clever

It's Awful

You know

That voice in your head

 

The one that tells you you're not good enough

 

That you don't _deserve_

 

Convinces you that the world _hates_ you

 

It's awful

and it's sickly

and it's clever

 

So, so very clever

 

Because it's like a cancer

 

It's made of _you_

 

It knows how you tick

It knows how you think

It knows what you want

It knows what you do

It _knows_

 

And the worse part

 

That sometimes people forget

 

is

 

it 

_is_

you

 

 

It's not a cancer that can be cut away

 

It's not something foreign 

 

Not something you can blame

 

Not something you can fight

 

It's _like_ a cancer

But it's not a cancer.

 

 

It's You.

 

 

 

And you're very very clever.


	2. Helps

So Clever in fact

 

That you don't even realize what happening

 

After all,

What's the harm,

In knowing your flaws.

 

You're supposed to know them

 

and you do

 

You know how your broken

 

and you know what you do wrong 

 

and that's good.

 

 

At First.

 

 

And then

and then it starts growing,

your voice

 _that_ voice

 

It only knows what's best, right?

 

It helps you be realistic,

helps you grow

 

helps you not mess up

 

helps you not fail

 

helps you not dissapoint

 

 

helps you cover it up

 

 

helps you fake it

 

 

Helps you to not hurt them

 

 

 

helps you hold yourself back

 

 

 

helps you not to be dangerous

 

 

 

helps you to right your wrongs

 

 

 

helps you to punish yourself

 

 

 

 

 

helps you survive

 

 

helps you

 

 

 

helps

 

 

 

You don't even realize 

 

when it stops helping

 

and starts destroying

 

 

Because you're clever

and you're patient 

and your powerful

 

 

 

and no one ever told you how wrong that could be


	3. Teaching

No one told you

 

and No one taught you

 

There was no hand to hold

showing

 

"This is how you fight,

and

This is how you avoid."

 

They never taught you.

 

Maybe they can't 

maybe it's something that can't be taught

 

Or maybe it's because they were never taught

so they don't know how to teach you

 

 

or maybe it's because they forgot

In all the important lessons 

To teach you how dangerous you are

 

 

 

Doesn't matter though,

 

either way

 

you still aren't taught.

 

 

So it's easy

for it,

for _you_

To start that slow desent 

 

into

 

 

 

You

 

.................Don't 

 

.....................................Even

 

 

..........................................................Know.

 

 

 

You don't know what's attacking you

 

You don't know what's closing your lungs

 

and blocking your throat

 

and squeezing your chest

 

 

and shaking your legs

 

 

and breaking you

 

 

 

Because you weren't taught

 

 

So how could you know

 

that you're fighting yourself

 

 

How could you know how to fight back

 

 

How could you know

 

 

 

That you were falling

 

 

 

Until it was too late

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You couldn't.


	4. Sometimes I Need To Break The Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't like writing so much sad stuff ;w; I must write the happy things as well

We Interrupt Your Viewing Of Ginger Stuff To Bring You This Message From Ginger:

 

 

I AM THE MASTER OF FEEEEELLLLSSSSSS

 

FEEL /ALL/ THE FEELS

 

 

Now Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Ginger Stuff.


	5. Self-Control

But Maybe

 

Maybe they tried to teach you

 

Just, not specifically,

 

Like

 

 

They told you don't touch the stove 

So you know

Don't touch hot things

 

 

They told you to be careful on the top of the playground

So you know

Don't fall

 

 

 

 

And they told you to have self control

So you know

Not to let yourself fall

 

 

 

But you never really learned self control

 

Did you?

 

 

 

You still stayed up too late on your phone

 

 

You still ate that excessive amount of sugar

 

 

You still hurt your friend

 

 

You still cried when you watched that movie

 

 

And

 

 

You still pointed out all of these things to yourself with vicious accuracy

 

 

Pointing out how little control you had

 

Makeing you hate something you did

 

 

 

and maybe you didn't realize

 

that this

 

 

was just another example of that lack of control

 

 

 

Or maybe you did

 

 

and you hated yourself for it

 

 

and you cycled through this circle of 

hatred on one end and

self-control on the other

 

 

 

But that doesn't really matter,

 

does it?

 

 

It doesn't matter how you fell

 

 

or why you fell

 

 

it just matters that you fell

 

 

that you're falling

 

 

 

 

and that there's no one there to pick you up again


End file.
